I’m relinquishing my name and taking my husband’s. This decision compels other people to either look at me with surprise or complete disgust. Some women act like I’ve betrayed their cause.
The following quote is from a blogger that I really respect; she advocates practical wedding spending, and wholesome FAM (Fertility Awareness Method) practices. But this is what she had to say about name-changing:
I cannot bring myself to conform to the patriarchal system that forces women to give up their names. It stems from a history of men being in charge of the family. As an American studies major and women and gender studies minor in college, I knew I wasn't going to take my partner's name because I couldn't support and perpetuate a sexist tradition. I had a vague idea that we could both take a new name. We would be Bradford + Cotner = Bradner or Cotner + Bradford = Cotford. Or we would take a completely new name based on an author we like or a place we've visited.
2000 Dollar Wedding Blog
I don’t see how taking my husband’s name makes me conform to some evil man-society that wants to put me down. Let’s think about this for a second. Your name is your father’s name, and he’s a man. Was he sexist for giving you his name? The simple answer is no, but sometimes the obvious is overlooked.
When women refuse to change their name after they get married, I often wonder why they’d rather honor their father, and not their own husband. In the end it’s a choice between two men. Your father gives you away at your wedding, a symbolic gesture that signifies you leaving his family and starting your own.
I’ve always harbored the suspicion that hard-core feminists have warped daddy-issues.
I suppose this boils down to how you perceive the family unit. “Patriarchal” is a word that has a nasty ring to it these days, and I don’t think it has to. I find comfort in the fact that my husband will always support me and any children we have. Marriage is an equal partnership, and a common name reinforces the solidity of the family.
Plus, hyphenating is just dumb. Are you going to send your poor kid out there with a name like “Conrad-Harris” who will then marry a “Smith-Ferrel”, and their kids will become some freak of linguistics like “Conharrsmithferrel?”
Point is, everyone has a man’s last name, and there’s no getting away from it, ever. Unless you want to go back in time to 456 B.C. and pitch a camp at the Isle of Lesbos. How long did that last? Oh yea.
I gotta wonder about someone who minored in women and gender studies in college. Seriously?!
ReplyDeleteBecky, these are fascinating thoughts. You make a very good point.
ReplyDeleteGo Becky! Like Mike says, what great thinkers you and your family are. I say men and women are NOT equal and there's a reason for that. It works, period.
ReplyDeleteNot equal? What do you mean by that? If I may ask. Becky's note actually called marriage "an equal partnership."
ReplyDeleteYes, equal in love, decision-making, values, but NOT gifts and abilities. Gifts and abilities are complementary and that is by design.
ReplyDeleteAh, okay. I see. I figured you meant something like that; thanks for clarifying! I was confused at first because I'm accustomed to people speaking of that in terms of difference rather than inequality.
ReplyDeleteAwesome note! For me, the decision to change my name was pretty easy--I went with the one that was easier to spell and pretty hard to pronounce wrong.
ReplyDeleteTaking my husband's name was symbolic for both of us--and had nothing to do with my becomi...ng his "possession" or anything like that. It was about starting a new life, and becoming our own family--for us as well as for me. Sure, his name didn't change, but his situation did. Underwood became HIS family name, not the family name of his parents.
Good luck with the rest of your wedding planning! (Oh, and I was pleasantly surprised about how easy the legalities of changing my name were.)
But your husband does "possess" you and it's a good thing! "The two becoming one" goes way beyond sexual intercourse, one in heart and mind and body and NAME! A happy marriage and home cannot come about when we compete with our husbands. Men and women are perefectly sympathetic units, by God's design!
ReplyDeleteHe does posess mom, but he does not and should not dominate...and I mean that in the potentially abusive sense. I like your point Julia- taking a family name really does make that family distinct from others before it. Even his own, which he leaves too.
ReplyDelete