Monday, July 11, 2011

A Tale of Too Many Cupcakes

So I’m sitting at the head table, doing the bride thing, when a good friend of mine comes up to shoot the breeze.

“The cupcake table is very impressive!”

“I know,” I said. “Aren’t I awesome?”

A few of my bridesmaids might have shot daggers at me. But no one can deny that the whole thing was pulled off rather well.

4th of July weekend was it. My sister, the ever-eligible Maid of Honor (MOH) and her boss helped me bake 295 of them in one night. It took us five hours. The MOH was wilting. She has a 9pm bedtime.

Well, the next thing to do was ice them. So on the day of the rehearsal dinner, I recruited two bridesmaids, the MOH, and my future mother in law and sister in law.

Now, one of my bridesmaids is an engineer, and her jaw dropped when she opened that freezer.




“There are so many!!” She cried. She then took it upon herself to make sure the cupcakes didn’t press against each other in the pastry boxes. It was rather ingenious of her; she recycled all of the tinfoil and wax paper I used to originally freeze the little suckers. She worked all alone in the basement while the rest of us iced upstairs. She later confessed to me that she ate a few.

Meanwhile, mother and sister in law had their own subtle protests. Sister in law expedited the process, having no desire to decorate anything lest she mess it up. She was like our task master. And she ordered pizza later, which was awesome.

Mother in law refused to pipe. She’s a cookie person. She’s comfortable spreading icing with a knife. I think she could have piped, but she was terrified she’d mess it up. So she treated the cupcakes like cookies. This made them look pretty different, so I told the other girls to plaster them with flowers.

She later turned to my sister in law: “I don’t care if it costs a thousand dollars. When you get married, we’re buying a cake.”




But then she wouldn’t have had this bonding experience! Come now, mom, this builds character!

Want to know what the real kicker is? I. didn’t. get. any. Zilch. Nada.

We left the reception for our honeymoon pretty late in the evening, and my mom and sisters were gathering the remaining cupcakes in little boxes.

When we came back a week later, they were gone. Curse teenage brothers and their bottomless-pit stomachs!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The Mother In-Law from Hell

So as I was contemplating the pain involved in a Brazilian (cough), I let my idle mind stray from wedding-ish things to the daily blogroll. And there I found wedding-related stories! Apparently there’s no escaping it once it’s crunch time.

If I have ever complained about my future in-laws, I take it all back. Because this story just takes the cake. Imagine the Devil Wears Prada on speed. Apparently, a future bride and mother-in-law had a slight altercation, and an email was sent. Well, the bride-to-be was so taken aback that she sent it to her friend. Who sent it to her friend, and on and on until it was viral and made headline news.

Here is is, in all it's astounding glory:



The mail online: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2009518/Carolyn-Bourne-Mother-law-hell-sends-email-bride-Heidi-Withers.html

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Mattress on roof, will travel.

Putting a brand new box spring in the rain is certainly not advisable, but who takes advice when they should? Not us. Oh no.

"Gee babe, looks cloudy. Think we can make it?"

My fiancé and I bought a queen mattress and box spring this weekend. Super cheap, great quality. We were able to grab a mini van, but the box spring would not fit in the back. So, we strapped it to the luggage rack. As we pulled away from the loading dock, I cast a wary eye at the clouds above. We had a 45min drive ahead of us.

"It won't rain," my fiancé said. "God loves us."

"He does," I replied, "but he also has a sense of humor."

Boy did He. As soon as we merged onto the highway (driving at a cautious 45 mph) the deluge started. The box spring was covered in plastic but we had no hope. It looked like a wind sail. Every car on the highway passed us like it was their business.




But we made it into town. I grabbed my cell phone.

"Hi dad, happy Father's Day. Guess what."

My dad, brother, and fiancé moved the box spring and mattress into my apartment in the pouring rain. (I stood to the side supportively.) There was much hauling, pushing, pulling and maneuvering. The men-folk decreed that they could not get the box spring into the apartment thought my front door, as the hallway was too narrow. So we shoved it up to my second-story balcony. With the "help" of my brother (he was busy abusing one of my cats), I pulled it over the ledge while the other two pushed it up to us. It was a success. We cut the plastic off and drenched my floors, but to our utter amazement the box spring was very dry. One corner was a bit damp, but not soaked.






We all stood around boasting of our mattress-moving prowess for a while. Then I wished dad a proper Father's Day with the first volume of The Walking Dead comic book. He was pumped. I got a text message later that said "great gift!" In the end, all men want is a picture book about zombies eating brains. (Me too, for that matter. Oh well.)

Of course, as soon as we walked out onto the porch, sopping wet, the clouds dissipated and a heatwave hotter than Vulcan's gonads hit. You can't win. But I guess I got a queen mattress, so take that, weather!

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Shower Shenanigans

Imagine a fluffy, tan carpet. Now imagine raspberries. Oooooh….

The wedding shower is over. We made it through. With a few stains, but that’s what makes these things so epic.


My mother did an excellent job- she hosted it at our house and set it up like a fancy tea-party. My sisters and I had bets on who would be the first to spill/ drop something on my mom’s carpet. We saw my cousin (who will remain unnamed) drop her entire parfait when she went to sit down. It was like a slow-motion drama. I could see the look of “Oh my Gooooood” in her eyes as the cup flipped over. She cleaned it up and ate the rest of her meal in the kitchen. She’s older than me, and I’m 23. Just sayin’.

But, to my surprise, she wasn’t the only one to drop the little parfait cup. Apparently, one of my esteemed coworkers chased a rolling raspberry around the room before I walked in. This little fact came out at work the day after, and she burst out laughing at her desk. I can’t imagine her stooping over a tiny piece of fruit in her platforms and office dress- while balancing a teacup. It’s like a scene from Fantasia.

I got some nice stuff. People should pretend to be getting married, collect all of the shit they can, and then leave the state. My fiancé called me with cries of, “What’d we get? What’d we get!?” It’s like Christmas.

I made personal thank-you cards with my scrapbooking material, just to give everyone something different.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Wedding Stress!!

When I think of the overall goal of a wedding, (I do, you do, the end!) I can’t help but get annoyed with the details I’m told I “have” to attend to.


It’s become readily apparent that my fiancé and I have very different ideas about formality. He wants a limo, I just want to car pool; that type of thing. He tells me I have to do something a certain way, and I retort, who says so, and on and on it goes.

in saecula in saeculorum, amen.

Speaking of things you are told you “have” to do . . . the fiancé and I have ditched the china. No, I didn’t toss them out for target practice with my .38. (But that would have been most entertaining.) We just looked at each other one day, and asked, “Why are we getting this stuff?”

We are going to be moving quite a bit, so packing expensive dinnerware would be more stressful than anything. Plus, we wouldn’t use it. Holidays will be spent at one of our parents’ houses. And then we plan to have kids. Who break china. Plus, I'm more of a klutz than any kid I'll have.


Two more months. The devil is really in the details.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Let them eat....cupcakes.

My mother's 50th was this past March, so I was able to have some cake-making practice.


My dad thought I'd bought the flowers. I made them. It's a small victory.

My cupcake tier came in the mail lat month! It's a 6-tier that will hold about 150 cupcakes. I'm going to make the 4" cake on the top. Here we go!

Mom's still trying to get me to go to Guss' Goodies. It's a challenge now.

An eye for an "e."

I really don't care that there's a mistake on my wedding invitations. Is that bad? You tell me.

Here's the text the future hubby and I prepared before we sent it out to the printers. Read and be in awe:



This is what we got when the invitations came in:




Did you catch it? I sure didn't. I signed the proofs with the carefree innocence of a newborn babe. I didn't even catch it when I picked the box of invites up. And then I got home.

"Isn't there an "e" on the end of "Bellaire"?" My dad asks.

I thought he was messing with me. But he was right. Crap.

I think of what I can get away with-will anyone notice? I test it on my sisters and random friends. They didn't notice until I told them about it. One friend typed it into her GPS, and she didn't correct her spelling. It got her to the church. If you type it into google, it auto-corrects. But it gets you there.

I want to get away with it because I'm cheap. :) Buying invitations AGAIN for an "e" seems so silly. And after the wedding, who the heck is going to remember if it was spelled wrong anyway?

But apparently, this is the seventh deadliest wedding sin. If Dante were around, he'd probably have put me into some low level of Hell.

Where this hits me (metaphorically) below the belt, is that these invitations were generously paid for by a friend. And now we have to re-order. And of course, that friend cannot be expected to pay again.

So I picked them up yesterday. My parents shelled out $120.00 for an e. They're so proud.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Cake: Take One- Action!






Homemade chocolate cake with chocolate butter-cream icing. The only thing I didn't make were the roses on top. I could deal with this on top of my cupcake tier.

I've been messing with fondant cutters, and have actually managed to make some decent looking flowers. They take two days to fully harden, so they sit on my counter that long, and then I put them in a Tupperware container I keep at room temperature. I was told not to freeze them; not sure why.




I made some nice looking blue flowers with pearl-candy centers. Having a little bit of trouble with those pearls keeping in place; they roll off the fondant after it hardens. I think I need to add water to the base to make them stick.

That said, this has been a positive cake experience for me. I kept the decorations simple and elegant. It sits in my fridge now. I'll take it to my family tomorrow. I'm sure my 3 teenage siblings won't mind. ;)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Mighty Morphin Cupcake Action!

Oh, I went there. And I stayed overnight, and ate everything in your fridge.

Not really.

But, I'm officially trying out recipes.


Yea, I made that shizzle. And you know what? It's awesome.

If I wasn't already getting married, you'd probably propose.



Vanilla cupcakes with butter-cream icing, topped with a delicate candy flower. I can't find fondant molds ANYWHERE. T___T I can find cutters, but those are boring. It's for lame fondant cooks. If I have to rob a culinary school, I swear I will. Really, how hard can the be to find? I went to Joanne Fabrics and Celebrations. Maybe I'll try Michaels this weekend.

That said, I bought fondant cutters and roll out fondant, but have done nothing with it yet. It seemed like a waste to put flat shapes on top cupcake frosting.




I cut my recipe in half to make only 12 of these little beauties. They turned out exceedingly well. Not too sweet, but not too plain. I've included the recipe at the end of this post.








Poof was no help at all. I don't know why I keep her around.







Here's the recipe for the Vanilla Cupcakes:

2 Cups Flour

1 1/2 Cups sugar

3 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 cup shortening

1 cup milk (2%)

4 egg whites

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 eggs

1 1/2 teaspoon vanilla


Butter-Cream Icing


1/2 cup shortening

1/2 cup butter, softened

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

4 cups confectioner's sugar

2 tablespoons milk

a pinch of awesome

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Batter up- for cupcakes!

Things in the wedding word have quelled for me lately, though arguably I should be kicking it into high-gear about now. We are still in need of a photographer and a cake.

Wedding cakes are such a scam; the trend these days is to buy one made of Styrofoam, and then to serve sheet cakes to your guests. And this Styrofoam masterpiece you shell out for is for rent, so you have to return it a.s.a.p.

I suppose it doesn’t help that every cake I see on display locally looks dumb. They look like they were modeled in the 1960’s and never updated. I suppose that says something about my location.

But I have this dream of a cupcake tower. I've been debating the Cupcake v.s. Cake scenario for a while. I seriously do just want a buttload of cupcakes!


The bride and groom cut the little cake on top, and then the reception horde converges upon the tasty treats. Chocolate, vanilla- your choice. Fantasy?

Welp, while I'm dreaming, I'd like to just put this idea out there. I want to do it. Enlist the help of willing bridesmaids, and decorate cupcakes whith butter-cream icing. I got into this today; I looked up recipes and instructional how-to videos.

Making fondant cake flowers looks easy enough, heck, tons easier than I thought it would be.



This video shows how to apply frosting without any of those bumps and air bubbles.




It looks doable; and it's probably a heck of a lot cheaper than a cake. I'd have to do some serious pricing, but making your own cake mix always costs next to nothing.

-I'd order fancy cupcake wrappers; this one runs for $30.00 a set.


-Order pre-made fondant, which runs about $14.00 for 2 lbs. More than enough to make some little cake flowers!

And then make the icing. There are great recipes out there, ones that I have even tried before, so I'm not wholly unschooled. Am I dreaming? So far I have no support. Oh well. Look at the pretty pictures.



Wednesday, February 2, 2011

What Models Make you not Want to Wear

I imagine that there is nothing funnier than a wedding dress model taking a nosedive off of the runway.

If I opened a bridal salon, my logo would be:

“Getting married in style? You might not make it up the aisle!”

I went to a bridal show this past weekend. Line after line of poor, terrified girls waddling down the runway with 3-inch heels and mermaid gowns was enough to make me hope. A few of them tripped rather spectacularly. Why would you want to wear something you can’t even walk in?


The girls I saw looked scared. The girls in magazines? They all look ticked. I imagine the cameraman says something like "you smell a pungent odor...great, baby hold it!”


Or, they just look downright astonished.


My dress, I’m proud to say, is very comfy and certainly easy to get around in. It’s much more traditional looking than the modern, off-the shoulder stuff you see today. It has puffed sleeves. I know what you're thinking, but it's not as bad as say, this:


And no matter what I can't look this bad:

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Name Changing Does not Have to be Sexist.

I’m relinquishing my name and taking my husband’s. This decision compels other people to either look at me with surprise or complete disgust. Some women act like I’ve betrayed their cause.

The following quote is from a blogger that I really respect; she advocates practical wedding spending, and wholesome FAM (Fertility Awareness Method) practices. But this is what she had to say about name-changing:

I cannot bring myself to conform to the patriarchal system that forces women to give up their names. It stems from a history of men being in charge of the family. As an American studies major and women and gender studies minor in college, I knew I wasn't going to take my partner's name because I couldn't support and perpetuate a sexist tradition. I had a vague idea that we could both take a new name. We would be Bradford + Cotner = Bradner or Cotner + Bradford = Cotford. Or we would take a completely new name based on an author we like or a place we've visited.
2000 Dollar Wedding Blog


I don’t see how taking my husband’s name makes me conform to some evil man-society that wants to put me down. Let’s think about this for a second. Your name is your father’s name, and he’s a man. Was he sexist for giving you his name? The simple answer is no, but sometimes the obvious is overlooked.

When women refuse to change their name after they get married, I often wonder why they’d rather honor their father, and not their own husband. In the end it’s a choice between two men. Your father gives you away at your wedding, a symbolic gesture that signifies you leaving his family and starting your own.

I’ve always harbored the suspicion that hard-core feminists have warped daddy-issues.

I suppose this boils down to how you perceive the family unit. “Patriarchal” is a word that has a nasty ring to it these days, and I don’t think it has to. I find comfort in the fact that my husband will always support me and any children we have. Marriage is an equal partnership, and a common name reinforces the solidity of the family.

Plus, hyphenating is just dumb. Are you going to send your poor kid out there with a name like “Conrad-Harris” who will then marry a “Smith-Ferrel”, and their kids will become some freak of linguistics like “Conharrsmithferrel?”

Point is, everyone has a man’s last name, and there’s no getting away from it, ever. Unless you want to go back in time to 456 B.C. and pitch a camp at the Isle of Lesbos. How long did that last? Oh yea.

Naked Ice Sculptures

Imagine it.

Michelangelo's David, sculpted in ice, at my wedding reception.

But it would have to be done right; otherwise, what's the fun?


Like this sculpture. It's nice, I guess. But they don't show his fun parts.

Again, I say. What would be the point?

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Terrible Bed, Bath & Beyond

So for those of you who know and care, we’re in the middle of the playoffs. Like, those football ones. I don’t care, and never have, but I’m constantly being confronted by it this year. And where I come from, {or at least, according to my fiancé and his family} you either love the Steelers or die.


Now, this Terrible Towel thing- I don’t understand at all. Is it supposed to be cool? Because if so, I think they need to commission a line of terrible bath products: The Terrible Toothbrush, The Terrible Toilet Cover, and {my favorite} The Terrible Shower Mat.

One of my best friends is getting married this summer, and I’m in her wedding. Her colors? Black and yellow. She is in no way, shape, or form a Steelers fan. You’d probably insult her if you mentioned it. She likes black because it’s formal, and thinks that yellow will be a nice accent. But there’s no escaping it. Apparently, {no joke} there are Steelers weddings. You can get decorations, cake toppers, and garters. {Terrible cake toppers?}



A football-themed wedding sort of gives me the creeps; I'm not going to lie. It reaches a new level of idolatry. It’s funny at first, and then when I think about it I get sad. I know that most people think that weddings are a joke- so be as ridiculous as possible! There is a lot of nonsense involved in the preparations. So why add to it by making your big day a total joke?


Don't make your wedding a "Terrible Wedding."

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Registry Strike-Out

I think people would rightly soil themselves if they saw the china pattern we originally put on our registry. We went into Bed Bath & Beyond, and they pulled out a book full of patterns with no prices next to them. Why? Oh, they say, they are all around the same price. They tell us to pick one we like, so we do.

And then we find out that it’s $100.00 a place setting. We wanted 8 settings. We spent a good amount of time looking for something else, and replaced it with a pattern that’s around $79.99 a setting. That doesn’t include platters or anything, but I’ve resigned myself to hunting down the rest of the set throughout our marriage. One platter alone costs around $170.00, so maybe not. I’ll probably buy food instead.

It's a pretty pattern: Cocoa Blossom by Mikasa.


And here is one of the platters. They are much more detailed and aesthetically pleasing.


My fiancé's parents went on and on about how they got such a good deal on their china set, and then said “but we’ve never used it in the 26 years we’ve been married.” Which begs the question: why? I suppose having nice chnia is just one of those symbolic things about forming a new household. Or maybe just something to scream at your kids about when they break a plate.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Rings and Honeymoon Savings

So I really have to recommend the home-grown jeweler. The fiancé and I went to a local jeweler in his hometown over the New Year break. I don't know much about jewelry, but I'm wary of places like KING'S and KAY. It seems you pay more for the name than the quality.

We wanted white gold bands, but we were prepared to get something cheaper if the gold prices were as ridiculous as rumored. Gold is expensive these days!



We ended up with a pretty reasonable price. Being smaller people, we might have got lucky. I wear a size 4 and he wears a size 6 ¼. The total cost for both rings was $325.00. They had to order in custom sizes, so we expect to see the rings mid-January.

We also managed to book our New Orleans honeymoon hotel for a very reasonable price. With an AAA discount, we were able to book a nice room for only $80.00 a night. We’re keeping an eye out for reasonable flights in the meantime.